True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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