I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
