so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
