Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
