The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
