i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
