just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
