Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
