i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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