im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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