She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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