i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
