barbara walters just said penis...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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