When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize