ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
