No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
