Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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