Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
