I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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