I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Farmville is her only friend.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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