Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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