Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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