ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
