I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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