Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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