the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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