She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
