Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
