last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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