my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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