Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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