hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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