i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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