I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
