my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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