4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
