somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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