I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
