So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
