how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
