Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
