I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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