Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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