i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
