Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
