Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
