I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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