One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
