The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
