Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
