Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You are the jesus of drinking
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
