she pinky promised me she was 18
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
