What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
