forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
