my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
