Someone shit on the floor
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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