to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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