so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
