dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
babies were throwing up all over the place
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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