just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
