I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
