you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
