when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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