And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
