I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I AM VODKA MAN
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
