She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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