i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
