Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
