then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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