he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
